I Quit, For Now.

I’m kind of stumped on something.  And maybe it’s a stupid thing to be stumped on.

For perhaps the first time in my life, I don’t feel like saying anything, aside from these statements, to the world.  I don’t want to say anything at all.

I don’t feel like writing.

So, for now, I’m not going to.  I don’t really know how to describe this…feeling.  This void.  I’m just…failing to see the point.  There are a number of reasons for this:

1) My audience is (and I love you all), small.  I could make it bigger, but to do so, I’d have to play this little game–the one that you and I know, that we all play, with other writers: competing for attention.  And I don’t feel like playing that fucking game right now.

2) Whether it’s comedy, acting, art, or writing, all forms of entertainment will teach you two things: the first is that the people that you consider “close friends” won’t give a shit about what you do, and the second is that the people who will find you most enjoyable are the people you may never wind up meeting.  Do I really want to engage in the kind of behavior where I seek to find something from strangers, and estrange myself from the people that matter most to me?  Maybe I do, but I’d be really disappointed if I found out that I didn’t want that, and that I fought for it for so long.

3) I have a real life to live, and its experiences should be far more important than whatever fantasy is going on in my head.  Maybe there’s a way to balance this out–to live a private, and public, life.  I haven’t found out a way to do that yet, and I consider the ones in my social circle to be important people to me, because they’re the ones whose lives will impact mine, and whose lives I will impact most.

4) Any avenue of entertainment is a Boulevard of Broken Dreams.  The chances of having what I would call, not an enormous, but just a sufficient enough, audience size to appease my appetite are slim enough.  Why take chances with the one life I’ve got trying to do something next to impossible?

5) I’ve never felt normal a day in my life, and maybe, for once, I’d like to know what its like to be happy without wanting to be famous for doing something.

On that last one, I have no idea how to do this.  But, before I write again, I need to find out.

Until then, I thank you all, but I have absolutely nothing to say to the world right now, except: “Thank you for your time.”

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5 thoughts on “I Quit, For Now.

  1. You’ve spoken for all of us writers out there – at least 3 out of the 5 points, I guess. You could probably take the “fantasy” in your head seriously 🙂 Things might start working by themselves. You know that saying, if you’ve never failed, you’ve never tried anything new 🙂 When the inspiration won’t leave you alone, please don’t hesitate and share your stories with us 🙂 Best of luck!

  2. Derek, you know what I think you should do? Of course, I don’t know anything about you besides what I can infer from your writing, so this may not really work…just a thought. If you really want to be happy, you should focus less on suicide and more on what you want your life to be about. I’ve found that most of my cheery works are often the most meaningful. Spice things up a bit. Change the theme on your site to something…less…black. I mean the background color. And metaphorically, I suppose that could also refer to your stories. Black is connotative for dark.

    Not to be immodest, but you could check my site for ideas. My theme used to be a gray/black; I changed it to a calm blue, my favorite color. I’ve written numerous works on less-than-depressing subjects. My life isn’t perfect, but at least I’m happy most of the time.

    Best of luck to you!

    -Perse

    1. If I had a soul, and it had a color, it would be black.

      I don’t disagree with you on “spicing things up a bit.” Actually, I had something else in mind–but it’s going to have to go on a sister site or something–not here.

      The reason I say that is this: I write these types of stories in an attempt to kill off my own shadow before it strangles me. And, for whatever reason–be it life experiences, genetics, or just a glitch in the Matrix–I’ve got a big shadow to kill.

      Let me give you an example:

      I can’t sleep more than five hours a night, unmedicated, and I usually wake up about four times. When I’m not having nightmares about either killing someone, or someone trying to kill me, I’m stuck in “sleep paralysis,” where I can’t wake up, feel like I’m suffocating, and I’m dreaming that I’m already awake–only, I know that I’m only dreaming. I’ll go through about five or six different dream senquences, and actually wake up finally–only to realize that I can’t go back to sleep.

      And don’t get me wrong–I’m no danger to anyone, and nobody’s a danger to me. I think I just have a weird sleep routine.

      Writing about suicide just somehow makes me feel good about my life. Maybe that’s normal, maybe not.

      I’ve had sleep studies performed to no avail. I’m just thankful for the medication.

      As far as the positive writing, I’m wanting to dedicate a site to writing letters to important people–celebrities, politicians, etc.–and make the letters so ridiculously funny that they get a response: like maybe a letter to a state congressional member, complaining about the price of a quarter bubble gum dispenser or electronic cigarettes.

      I do have a sense of humor, after all. And perhaps you’re right–it wouldn’t hurt to exercise that a little.

      I’m headed over to your site now to look at things–now that I finally have time.

      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I wish I had an award to give for “most comments.”

      1. You’re the person who looked at Dead in the Water, Who is Perse Show, All My Stories, Fan Fiction, and Other Fiction Writers? I suspected you when I saw those come up in my stats. I don’t often get a lot of activity, besides the people that I spend time with face-to-face.

        I’ll tell you the truth. The only reason I started commenting on your site was because I wanted to *get out there*. My secret is that I’m new to blogging. Hardly anyone knows about my site. But once I started commenting, I just couldn’t stop. Your site became something that I used not for publicity, but for personal enrichment…and the chance to meet another interesting person.

        As for taking the time to read and comment, I’ve barely even begun! You know, the golden rule says to treat people how you want to be treated. I want tons of comments and views, so I understand that wish and strive to support fellow bloggers…authors…anyone, really.

        And the fact is, I really do love your work. Even if it *is* a little depressing. 🙂

        -Perse

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