I’m kind of stumped on something. And maybe it’s a stupid thing to be stumped on.
For perhaps the first time in my life, I don’t feel like saying anything, aside from these statements, to the world. I don’t want to say anything at all.
I don’t feel like writing.
So, for now, I’m not going to. I don’t really know how to describe this…feeling. This void. I’m just…failing to see the point. There are a number of reasons for this:
1) My audience is (and I love you all), small. I could make it bigger, but to do so, I’d have to play this little game–the one that you and I know, that we all play, with other writers: competing for attention. And I don’t feel like playing that fucking game right now.
2) Whether it’s comedy, acting, art, or writing, all forms of entertainment will teach you two things: the first is that the people that you consider “close friends” won’t give a shit about what you do, and the second is that the people who will find you most enjoyable are the people you may never wind up meeting. Do I really want to engage in the kind of behavior where I seek to find something from strangers, and estrange myself from the people that matter most to me? Maybe I do, but I’d be really disappointed if I found out that I didn’t want that, and that I fought for it for so long.
3) I have a real life to live, and its experiences should be far more important than whatever fantasy is going on in my head. Maybe there’s a way to balance this out–to live a private, and public, life. I haven’t found out a way to do that yet, and I consider the ones in my social circle to be important people to me, because they’re the ones whose lives will impact mine, and whose lives I will impact most.
4) Any avenue of entertainment is a Boulevard of Broken Dreams. The chances of having what I would call, not an enormous, but just a sufficient enough, audience size to appease my appetite are slim enough. Why take chances with the one life I’ve got trying to do something next to impossible?
5) I’ve never felt normal a day in my life, and maybe, for once, I’d like to know what its like to be happy without wanting to be famous for doing something.
On that last one, I have no idea how to do this. But, before I write again, I need to find out.
Until then, I thank you all, but I have absolutely nothing to say to the world right now, except: “Thank you for your time.”