Suicide no. 20: Perfected

perfected

Suicide no. 20: Perfected

–by Derek Alan Wilkinson

White cotton, with a thread count no lower than eight-hundred, no higher than one thousand. No nylon. Blankets could be any solid color, no designs. Walls needed repainted semi-gloss white, and the thin, brown carpet had been replaced with the exact same order number every five years for the past fifteen. Two more years to go.

If a bulb went out, all bulbs in the one-bedroom apartment needed to be replaced immediately. He kept a supply closet stocked. The carpet was hardest to keep during the first five years—some idiot spilled red wine on it back when Charles was social enough to allow something like that to happen. He’d never allow it again.

Four burners and four brand new burner covers stocked the kitchen. Twelve spoons, twelve forks, six butter knives and six steak knives filled one of its drawers. A week ago, one of the steak knives broke at the handle, so he purchased a whole new set—throwing away four brand-new pieces of cutlery.

It’s going to fall apart eventually, Charles.

That voice in his head kept his schedule in order. If a thing changed, went awry, broke, or altered his pattern, Charles quickly adapted; his OCD wasn’t the issue. In fact, it was his laundry list of compulsive needs that kept everything in order in the first place.

Charles Whitt was a very well adapted kind of neat freak.

He lived alone because of it, though. And he lived with that old, familiar voice: the one telling him that things would always fall apart in the end. That was the voice he kept ignoring. His battle cry become one of solemn focus on patterns—he thought that, if he just kept fighting through the chaos that ordinary people simply allow to take over their lives, that he wouldn’t become one of those awful “statistics.”

And Charles hated the thought of becoming a statistic.

Like his father—the alcoholic. His mother—the brooding could-have-been-famous type. His two brothers—one in jail, the other, a hen-pecked husband with a few too many children to afford on his own. Unlike Charles, they were sloppy and unhappy people living confusing lives. If they’d only listen to reason, he thought.

But even reason has its boundaries, Charles.

To date, Mr. Whitt had never encountered one of those unlucky boundaries. He knew—not rationally, but somewhere in his gut—that the voice was right in the wrong kind of way. There was something, somewhere, in some self-help book on Tao Buddhism, that taught Charles that the voice was right, and that he was ripe for it.

The chaos was coming: unwanted, unmerited, and unscheduled. It beckoned like wildfire in a forest that hadn’t seen fire in over a hundred-million years.

Rather than wait for it, at age forty-eight, Charles had a plan hidden in a box containing a twenty-year-old, unopened bottle of vodka. Polished thirty-eight revolver, one bullet in the chamber, and a scratch of paper with one word on it:

Perfected.

Inspired by The Daily Post’s prompt:  http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/01/08/daily-prompt-style-2/

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9 thoughts on “Suicide no. 20: Perfected

  1. Nice Job! I’d love to hear something a bit positive and inspirational from you. Too many sad fools out looking for just one more reason, maybe a new visual method to do the job. I have a suggestion for your next posting. Use your fantastic writing talent to inspire someone to GET A LIFE!

    1. When you spend a lot of time creating stories about people who end their lives.,,well, what can I say? This story is facetious, and that’s about as positive as you can expect from me. I find a certain kind of beauty in it, though–like the kind you find in a sad song.

      The important thing, for me, is that I’ve contemplated suicide from just about every different angle. And yet, I’m still alive. For me, there’s nothing more positive than that.

      1. You are a unique individual and clearly talented. Do you ever wonder what influences you to spend so much time contemplating suicide. Has life been so hard for you that you cannot step outside of the melancholy box you have confined yourself to? I bet you can stretch your imagination a bit and contemplate some other viable subjects.

        Listen, I write about about unconventional stuff as well. Many might think I’m full of cr*#p but that is my joy. Check my blog out acurrentmemofromgod.com. I have no idea how to work the whole posting blog design aspect but I think you might find it interesting, and it’s not a religious soap box type of thing. Just got started and not one soul has seen it yet. You would be the first lucky one (sarcasm) to check it out.

      2. Well, for starters: I don’t contemplate suicide. I USED to. But now, I merely use the idea as a metaphorical axle for communicating how I feel about life; suicide is, for me, a means of showing how we can answer deep philosophical questions, which is not to be confused with an ANSWER to those questions.

        And, believe it or not, writing about it hasn’t made me melancholy: it’s made me LESS melancholy.

        I also write about other things. I recently finished a gonzo piece about West Virginia’s chemical spill–I’m a local to the area. Its a humorous piece, I think.

        And I’ve read bits and pieces of your blog. I think it’s a bit supernatural for my tastes, HOWEVER I did have a dream last night in which this person–a sort of business, insurance-sales type of guy–just sat and answered all of these deep, pressing questions I have had bouncing around in my head.

        So, who knows? Maybe I need to question my own perspective on what I believe to be superstitious nonsense–if for no other reason to understand life on that level.

        Maybe “business guy” was my clairvoyant?

      3. Hi,
        Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner.

        Well I know what I post about is frivolous to many but for someone like myself who can actually ask a question and get an answer even a specific name, I’d say this works for me.

        My husband is a doctor and he is amazed with the patients that complain about fees but blow money on cigarettes, fake nails, booze…you name it. People like distraction and it is hard for many to indulge and appreciate the things that might be better for them.

        Hey, if you are happy and feel that you are doing the right thing for your contentment then you are perfect. I’m offering my stories to people with questions, curiosity and an intrigue into spirituality of the non religious sort. I for one am exhausted coming across atheistic and extreme religious materials with people placing themselves on these hierarchical pedestals. What I have come to understand is that these people are clueless and I’d like to share my insights with others who might not know what to think on the subject or are ready to indulge their minds into an alternative path to spirituality.

        I do want to thank you for taking the time to look at my new blog. I know there are no coincidences, yes, “Business guy” might just be your spiritual guide.
        I know what I post might be more than what most care to handle but it’s there for those who are ready and willing to explore. Now with DMT being popularized, you will be falling behind if you don’t get a bit more spiritually aware. There is a fantastic guy on Ted talking about his DMT experience, I believe it is Graham Hancock, The War on Consciousness. Interesting program, you might want to see it. I have never touched the stuff but I’m sure I would get some pretty amazing messages, most people do. I think there will one day be a DMT church where people will feel more connected to God in this fashion than at a traditional church. Heck, there might be one now but I’m kind of out of that loop. I have my own thing going on and it keeps me busy.
        Anyhow, take care and keep an eye on my blog, share the word with your friends to check out this weird chick’s blog who thinks she talks to God. LOL! I will peek at your material from time to time.

        Regards,
        Maria

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